Topic for today - Australia and Aussies
I have gathered a heap of stuff here that has made it's way to me over the last couple of years. I could think of no better place than here, to put it all together for your perusal. With much thanks to Colin Dwyer and Jodie Sweeney for unknowingly supplying this stuff for my site.Have I mentioned that I come from the world's greatest city, Melbourne? Well, it's true...and can read about how CNN wrote about this late last year by clicking here.
AUSTRALIANISMS - Hints for Tourists1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or, just conceivably, a wharfie.
5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallet by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out. We might have very stupid thieves. Or really stinky sandshoes.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.
12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, we may all just be really hopeless with names.
14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to neighbourhood mosquitoes.
15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that just happens to have the swimming pool.
17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.
18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
19. The poisoning of Phar Lap remains the purest example of what happens when Australians attempt to take on the outside world.
20. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine, but then spend all night drinking the host's beer. Don't worry, he'll have catered for it.
21. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.
22. When tipping in a restaurant, we add 10 per cent, and then round down to the nearest large-denomination note. Yet, miraculously, we still believe we've tipped 10 per cent.
23. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. Or at least not acted upon. You should take everything. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you are not trying.
24. Unless ethnic, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or fence-leaning is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
25. Out in the bush, the tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.
26. A flash sportscar driven by a middle-aged man does not incite envy as in America, but hilarity.
27. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle problem that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
28. When on a country holiday, the motel neon advertising the pool will always be slightly larger than the actual pool.
29. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.
30. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.
31. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".
32. There comes a time in every Australian's life when one realises that the Aeroguard is far, far worse than the flies.
33. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one says "cobber".
I'm talking about hide and seek in the park. The corner milk bar, hopscotch, billy carts, cricket in front of the garbage bin, skipping, handstands, footy on the best lawn in the street. British bulldog 1-2-3, go home stay home, slip'n'slide, the trampoline with water on it, hula hoops, pogo sticks, stepping in enormous puddles, mud pies and building dams in the gutter. The smell of the sun and fresh cut grass.
Big bubbles no troubles' with Hubba Bubba bubble gum. A choc-top Mr Whippy cone on a warm summer night after you've chased him round the block. When 20 cents worth of mixed lollies was a meal and smoking fags was really cool.
Wait... Watching Saturday morning cartoons... short commercials, The Thunderbirds (if you got up reeeeeally early), the Smurfs, AstroBoy, He-Man, Captain Caveman, Archie, Jem (truly outrageous!!) and heeeey heeeeey heeeeeeey it's faaaaaaat albert. Or staying up late and sneaking a look at the "AO" on the second telly.
When around the corner seemed far away, and going into town seemed like going somewhere. A million mozzie bites, wasp and bee stings. Sticky fingers. Cops and robbers, cowboys and indians, riding bikes and catching tadpoles. Marco polo in the neighbours' pool ("fish outta water?! ""NOOOO"), drawing all over the road with chalk. Climbing trees and building cubbies out of every sheet your mum had in the cupboard. Walking to school, no matter what the weather.
Running till you were out of breath. Laughing so hard that your stomach hurt. Jumping on the bed. Pillow fights. Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for the giggles.
Being tired from playing... Remember that????? The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team. Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
Cricket cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle... eating raw jelly, making homemade lemonade and sucking on a Funny Face or red Freeza.
Remember when... There were only two types of sneakers - girls and boys. Dunlop volleys with the green 'n' gold or blue and the only time you wore them at school was for "sports day." You knew everyone in your street - and so did your parents! It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
You didn't sleep a wink on Christmas eve.
When nobody owned a pure-bred dog. When 50c was decent pocket money. When you'd reach into a muddy gutter for 10c. When nearly everyone's mum was at home when the kids got there from school. It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb. When it was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at the local Chinese restaurant with your parents.
When any parent could discipline any kid, or feed her or use him to carry groceries and nobody, not even the kid, thought a thing of it.
When being sent to the principal's office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited a misbehaving student at home.
Basically, we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! Some of us are still afraid of them!!!
Didn't that feel good? Just to go back and say, yeah, I remember that!
Remember when... Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo" or scissors, paper, rock. "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly". The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was boy/girl germs, and the worst thing in your day was having to sit next to one. Having a weapon in school, meant being caught with a slingshot.
Nobody was prettier than your Mum. Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better. Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable vitamin C's. Ice cream was considered a basic food group. Going to the beach and catching a wave was a dream come true. Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dare".
Older siblings were the worst tormentors, but also the fiercest protectors.
If you can remember most of these, then you have LIVED!!! Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from their "grown up" life...
I DOUBLE-DARE YA!!!